Misconceptions about the Great Lakes

Sometimes people think humans don’t exist in the great lakes,
They are wrong, they do
They live there, they have kitchens
Biologists look to obvious choices like Huron and Michigan

It’s northern Superior and southern Erie that hold life
It should be said that these races are entirely different
In fact, wars have been fought between them
They are bitter rivals, they live beneath the sea

You see, Erie residents the Sudans, not to be mistaken
with the country, (they were here first) find cold blood to be quite useful
found in Kardashian (Superior) blood streams (present before the reality show)
Both tribes would say hi to each other when walking by, and not look down

Upon entering there homes you may notice
they too nit slogans to hang above their oven

These slogans are warm-hearted, they know meaning of meaningfulness
Posing the question, where do we exist? In some halfway breadth?
These people don’t have a word for solipsism (plum tree)
So why do we cry so much? Try finding comfort above your mother’s oven

xmas eve, or ambrosia salad driving a bentley

i sleep in.

heavy curtains blocking

natural light help me sleep

much later than 

is necessary.

i read the first twenty pages

of a dostoevsky novel.

i take a shallow, mostly cold bath

and get ready to face my family.

at my grandma's

i drink four beers and egg nog

with rum in it.

my family talks about

how fucked up other relatives are.

fake pregnancies,

fake cancers,

fat lazy asses,

bar fights, aliases and

stolen identities—

my cousin and i agree

that we are glad we all

turned out 'alright.'

i go home and sulk on

my house's heated bathroom floors.

christmas eve feels like shit

but at least i am warm.

WHY I HATE PAWN SHOPS

1) there are too many guns

2) there are too many guitars

3) in the month of december everyone inside looks like they are seriously up to no good

mid-afternoon mimosa

taylor said she would go on a date with a hotdog
and eat it
the rest of us are not so fond of hot dogs
but maybe less so fond of shellfish
to the point that neither me nor you would find any attraction
to an oyster or a clam
or the other types that stay closed and breath only in death

I have always found something sexy about almonds,
personally.
and whether smooth or rigid, they go wonderfully with beer.

Sociology of Christmas

In Max Weber's Sociology of Religion he makes two points concerning Christmas.

He says that the difference between the middle class and the peasant class is that the middle class is disconnected from nature.

In America we don't have peasants because we no longer have people connected to nature.

The poor before technology were forced to farm and live with their animals. And in the spring and summer they would eat wild food.

They had to be very connected to nature to achieve survival.

In America, we no longer need to understand nature to survive.

We live in nicely heated houses. We drive heated cars. We go to buildings and buy our food. We do not know where the food comes from. We do not care.

Monsanto grew all my food and I love it.

Americans all consider themselves middle-class because they are disconnected from nature.

Even the poor who work at restaurants and in factories, as lanscapers and roofers.

It is strange, I have encountered many 40 to 60 year old servers and cooks who consider themselves 'middle class.'

They aren't.

They are like the dirt of humanity.

But since they live in a nicely heated home with a nicely heated car and eat food grown to perfection with natural gas fertiziler and petroluem based pesticides, they love their lives.

Max Weber then states that the middle-class enjoys the baby part of religions because they the middle class is family oriented.

America loves babies.

Baby Jesus.

Now no one says on Christmas Day

The New Born Baby Jesus would one day grow up and become a convicted a criminal that would be executed by the Romans. That he would be forced to carry a heavy wooden cross a long way, while being taunted, he would then be nailed into a piece of wood next to two criminals, he would be stabbed in the side by a spear, and have a crown of thorns hung on his head. He would be basically left out to bleed to death and suffer like a dog before a crowd of people.

No one says that.

A baby was born to suffer like a dog.

Instead the middle-class goes, "Oh cute, little baby Jesus. Baby Jesus is cute."

This can be seen in Talladega Nights, when Will Ferrel gives that awesome speech

Ricky Bobby does not enjoy adult Jesus, because adult Jesus is a miserable pile of shoeless poor people shit.

He is like one of those people at Wal-Mart wearing jogging pants and a stained Browns shirt.

The middle-class of America has convinced themselves of this strange thing, that baby Christmas Jesus grows up and becomes a very successful lawyer or doctor, and has a sweet 401k plan and good credit.

No one is concerned with the idea that this baby Jesus fellow was born to suffer.

let them discuss you there, that you care, are thinking things about them, making a decision

judge your friends
i said

and not that funny was said
clever,

judge those close
before the brief silence

judge your friends i said
in terms to be understood

dumbass was said
beer, weed was said

they paused

judge your friends, only
do not look at strangers

only,

do not see them as you see your friends i said
then shit talking was said

and was meant

and i read 'major shitstorm' in the Guardian i said

frozen scum pond

this is what my backyard looks like during a blizzard. there is a pond beyond the first row of dead brush. in the summer it grew algae, but now it only grows ice.

photo courtesy of my roommate, kelly arnold.

Horny in the Snow

I was horny all day yesterday
my penis was strong
and kept telling me things

it told me things like
when no one was home
i laid on my couch
fluffing my penis
with images of me
fucking my girlfriend
in front of a group
of middle aged men
with interested facial expressions
like they were
investigating a marcel duchamp sculpture

it told me things like
when i was at Chili's
I kept looking at a short
thin dark haired 30 year old server
with a tiny tiny butt
thought, "I want to stick my finger
in her asshole."
decided next time
had sex with my girlfriend
i would do that to her
but i wouldn't notify
my girlfriend
the origin of the idea

it told me things like
when i was at barnes and nobles
two girls in high school
stood looking at fashion magazines
the one girl had on a very tight
skirt on
the curvature of her butt
was apparent
my heart beat hard
wondering about those cheeks

later on
when my roommate went to sleep
and the snow
and the wind
ruled the outside
i masturbated
with the smell
of a fraser fir freshly cut
in my living room
i doodled my prick
and gave birth
to the christmas giz

Great Lakes Brand Christmas Ale

1.

Andrew, Ty and I walked into the gas station. I looked at a refrigerator containing beer. I said “Do you have Great Lakes brand Christmas ale?” to a thin, Caucasian cashier. Another, older, obese employee said “We only have what’s in the fridge” while pointing to the refrigerator containing beer. I said "Ok." I walked toward the refrigerator containing beer. I looked at Andrew then said “Oh yeah, they have it” while pointing at the refrigerator containing beer. Ty looked at me then said "Jordan." I gave him two dollars. He purchased a large can of Arizona brand green tea. I said “Can I have twenty on fifteen?” while handing a twenty-dollar bill to the thin, Caucasian cashier. She said “Ok.” I walked outside. I thought “Jesus... it’s cold...” I pressed ‘regular.' I inserted the gas nozzle into my car. I sat in the car. Ty sat in the car. Andrew sat in the car. He handed me a twenty-dollar bill and said “The lady said she would have to I.D. all of us, because like, we were together.” I said “Really” while looking at Andrew’s face. He said something. I said “Like... it’s a 6 pack of Christmas ale... like, you’re visiting from New York... like, we’re all going to get hammered off 2 beers each... and I look like I’m 21” in an expressive tone of voice.

Later, Andrew said “What if I just went back in there with a gun.” Ty and I laughed. I said “You should do that.” We said other things about killing the obese gas station employee. Ty said “We should go back and just like, stand there.” Andrew said “Just stand in front of the beer cooler.” I said “No, like... we could just stand outside and stare at her... until she gets off work... then follow her to her car. And like... to her apartment.” We said other things about harassing and killing the obese gas station employee.

2.

Andrew, Mallory and I walked into Whole Foods. We looked at beer. I looked at an obese employee then said “Do you have Great Lakes brand Christmas ale?” An elderly African American man looked at me and made a noise and a facial expression I perceived as ‘expressing his affinity for Great Lakes brand Christmas ale and, possibly, implicitly, camaraderie due to our alikeness.’ I grinned. I said “Yeah” then something like “You know what’s up” while moving my head. The man said “Woo, man, that’s some good stuff” while touching his stomach. The employee said “We sold out last night... you know, we get it in on Monday and expect it to be gone by Wednesday. This is similar though if you’re just looking for a Christmas ale” while touching a 6-pack of Thirsty Dog brand ’12 Dogs of Christmas Ale.’ I said “Damn, thank you.” I told Andrew and Mallory what she said.

A mildly overweight Italian man in a leather jacket approached Andrew and I after overhearing our conversation and said something. He touched a large bottle of beer then said “If you’re looking for a great Christmas Ale, I’d definitely give this a try.” He touched a 6-pack of ’12 Dogs of Christmas Ale’ then said “This is also a decent Christmas Ale.” I pointed to the large bottle of beer and said “That’s... expensive.” He said “Yeah. Well I mean – you can’t go wrong with this” while touching Thirsty Dog brand ’12 Dogs of Christmas Ale.’ He said something about how the person who started Thirsty Dog brand beer “left” Great Lakes brand beer and uses a similar formula. He said “Plus, Great Lakes is screwing Cleveland over anyway.” I said “How... are they screwing Cleveland over?” He said “They’re trying to go national and they’re screwing over local buyers.” I said “Oh, damn.” We talked about beer for a period of time.

3.

Andrew walked into ‘Bottles.’ I saw him looking at beer. I saw him holding a 6 pack of Coors Banquet brand beer. I saw him reach into a refrigerator then walk toward the cash register holding a 6-pack of Great Lakes ‘Burning River’ brand beer. I saw a female purchase one watermelon flavored Four Loko brand malt beverage then drive away alone.

Andrew got in the car. He said “They didn’t have Christmas Ale, so I got this.” I said “Burning River, sweet... that’s my favorite of the Great Lakes brand beers... like, besides the special ones.” He said something like “Yeah, the name sounded pretty special so I got it.”

rest

day spent in rebellion
is a day spent in bed
abandon,
ditch out
duck it,
abdication is a pillow

deficient of hope, or know how
half-filled

of down and feathers

if one friend keeps more beer
than another friend

there is nothing we can do

days are spent in rebellion

slept, nightless

and by that i mean a nap in the middle

of the day,

always

Brothers at the Chinese restaurant

Ya, the weather is cold
but its sticky inside
full of
red-ish leather, gold fish dragons
and we are stuffed with pork dumplings


sitting back in your chair
puffing out the belly
you crack open a fortune cookie
it reads "The weather is wonderful."

I DONT HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE

i don't have health insurance

a couple winters ago i fell and hurt my elbow.

it hurt really bad at first and then it kind of went away but it still comes back sometimes.

like, i'll wake up and try to extend my arm and the pain makes me close my eyes and bite down and push my face into the pillow.

i don't have health insurance

i just thought of myself making a fist with both hands and then raising my eyebrows and saying, "i got health insurance, here's my two forms of i.d. bitch" while lifting each fist.

my landlord doesn't give a shit about me.

the old man who lives down the hall always wears the same shirt, the one with the huge vomit streak down the front.

one of the things i have to do at work is tie big wires around crushed squares of cardboard boxes.

after i wrap the boxes with wire and tie the wire up by bending it a lot, my hands are always covered in metal dust (or whatever) from the wires.

i always think, "gorilla hands"

"you are gorilla hands."

and then i forget to wash my hands when i have gorilla hands and then i'll touch my eye by accident and it is the worst burning eye feeling i've experienced yet.

i look forward to finding out new types of eye burning feelings.

i know it will be time for me to die when there are no more burning eye feelings to discover

the floor of my room is cold.

the wind comes in through the walls and the floor.

if i sleep with the blanket up to my chin, then i wake up with my head feeling sick and if i sleep with the entire blanket over me i feel too trapped to be able to relax and sleep.

when you find a shirt you forgot about, at the bottom of a bunch of other shit, it feels more like hope than anything else.

i've always wondered if i had what it takes to successfully join a hate group or be an extremist of some kind--not because i have any ideals, but just because i wonder if i could.

i was at the store the other day and i bent down to get something off a low shelf and when i looked up there was a two year old boy standing in front of me and he held his hand up to me like to say, "you can't go any further, stop." and then when i stood up straight again, he gave me the thumbs up and i walked past him.

right now, i'm 27, using a chair as a desk and a milkcrate as my chair and i live in uptown chicago and it's december 9, 2010.

the task at hand

as i watch and critique fashion shows

my roommate is downstairs weaving

shredded suicide notes and the painting

we painted when we tripped last week

this is my life our lives everything is here

winter I

my friends get drunk
and sing karaoke
at a townie bar
in the next town.

an alcoholic
buys me two shots
of tequila and
a boy from poetry
yells, 'damn, lexi!'
from the other end
of the bar.

i must have impressed him.
he finds me outside.

i ash my cigarette
into a bucket
filled with dirty snow.

i am overly friendly
toward him and
with other people
about whom i don't care.

a boy with bad teeth
hits on me.

i stand like a lesbian.

he is too drunk
to notice.

my friend drives
the alcoholic home
after he racks up
a fifty dollar bar tab
and sings
'pretty woman'
to the bartender.

he offers us snacks
before getting out
of the car.

i can relate.

C's Waffles

ate something called "C's Meat Lovers Mess"

Worked on my math
read about British legislature

an old man wearing a baseball cap
came in and sat at the counter
the young unattractive server said
"you better be staying out of trouble,
or I'll put you over my knee"

The old man replied, "I'd like
to see that"

Looked out the window
at the snow

imagined a middle aged man
coming in
a respectable
strong looking man
and telling me
i'm dead
and i am going to spend eternity
at C's Waffles

An old woman walked by
she looked at me
it was disturbing

Great Humans from The Great Lakes Region

Bob Seger/Dearborn Michigan:
Have been drunk many times
crying to Night Moves

Bob Seger stands on the coast of Lake Michigan
drinks a beer

Kanye West/Chicago:
Kanye's sits in a well heated house
in the winter
his mom comes home
from the college
and forces him to read
all of Roots when he is 12
he says, "Mom this is stupid"
but now he knows why
she made him read it

Eminem Detroit:
Eminem smokes his first cigarette
when he is four
Eminem fucks three women
at once
when he six
Eminem drives in the snow
high as shit
thinks
this snow looks cool
when i'm high

Kid Rock Detroit:
Pimp

Michael Jordan moves
to Chicago
and decides be a living
God
Michael Jordan is
the living avatar
of Leonidas

Harvey Pekar/Cleveland:
Sits in his living room
drawing little stick figures
puts his stocking cap on
and walks to the store
Harvey Pekar thinks
"my hands are cold,
I need to buy gloves"

All of them get together
shovel a driveway
Michael Jordan challenges
Bob Seger to a game of horse
Kid Rock slips on some ice
Kid Rock says, "My knee hurts"
Harvey Pekar yells, "Bitch"

Snow a Lot

When I pulled out
of my driveway
my back wheels
were stuck

Found two old men

the old men
kept talking about
the amount of snow

they were concerned
about the inches

they pushed my car
Then drove to the bank

Then went in my house
did my Political Science
Russian take home final

Russia

Then snowblowed three driveways
outside
for long time

everything seemed really nice
thought
I've had a wonderful life
for a writer
if i was anything else
it would have been a bad life

Then a car wouldn't start
so an old man and I
jumped it

it started