My Dad Used To Be A Marxist, Or At Least He Had A Poster Of Him On His Wall, But Actually Thought Of Himself As A Leninist

My Dad Used To Be A Marxist, Or At Least He Had A Poster Of Him On His Wall, But Actually Thought Of Himself As A Leninist, While He More Closely Resembles Stalin

My dad is a connoisseur of cigars, guns, and nutcrackers.
He sleeps with his shoes on, upright on the couch.
We said, the cat looks too thin, he is going to die soon.
We are all going to die soon,
as he continues biting the heads off of snowmen cookies.

On Christmas my Aunt touched my boobs.
I can touch them if I want when you have them out there like that!
I was wearing a modest sweater.

Later, my brother said he hoped his girlfriend would get him a peacoat for Christmas.
My aunt thought he said “penis,” but why
would his girlfriend get him a penis for Christmas?
I’m pretty sure that is the one thing he definitely has.

My sister danced like a leprechaun,
doing a jig, my grandmother said,
You should drop out of college and work at a strip club!

I had just woken up.
How much have you been drinking since I was asleep?
Girl, you’re so pretty I’m gonna put you in a sack and throw you into my trunk.
What is going on.

Holiday trivia games with my aunt just make things worse.
How many tentacles does a squid have?
100
An octopus has 8, how many tentacles does a squid have?
100
It’s not a centipede.
Oh, then 2.
It’s not bipedal, it’s not going to get up and start walking around.
BIPENAL?! Now, you never mentioned THAT.

No, nevermind.